he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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