Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
