Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
