I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
