What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
