that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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