We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
