Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
