Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
