I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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