Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
