if i can run in heels then i can drive
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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