Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
