at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
