I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
