Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
