You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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