all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize