I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
