my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
