you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i dont even know how to be here
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
