I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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