I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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