My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
