sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
