If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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