walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
