i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
