My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
