I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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