i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
