Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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