i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
