Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
