drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
