It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
only you would photoshop your dick
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
