Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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