She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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