My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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