Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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