she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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