3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
