I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I deserve this hangover.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
