I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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