If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
