four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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