i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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