Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
