Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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