I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
