I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
where am i from again
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
