i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
